Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
