The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
