Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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