We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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