wanna go halves on a baby?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
