the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Bring me that man meat
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
