What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
