Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You took a bar mat shot.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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