Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I need a burrito and a hug.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
