I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
