Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
