someone threw a dead crab at me
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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