Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
