ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
