When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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