I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
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Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize