Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
