and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
