sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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