I didn't shave. On purpose
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
pray to the hookup gods
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
