shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
