you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
two words: eviction party
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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