He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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