They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
