What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
