"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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