so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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