My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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