Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
