i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
