I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
