Cold hands, warm shart.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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