I can tuck mytits in my pants
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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