yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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