I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
