There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
