i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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