i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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