So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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