I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
