Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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