That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
