Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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