I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
