Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
