He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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