I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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