Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
