I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize