how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
