You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
