I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
