There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am naked and annoyed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize