Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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