I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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