Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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