No stitches, just platelets and will power
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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