I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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