We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
