I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
