It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
