in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
