yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
