I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
