you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
