it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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