i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
