I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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