I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
